February 26th, 2016
Every superhero has a kryptonite and I’ve finally been able to pinpoint what mine is; I-N-T-E-R-N-A-L-I-Z-A-T-I-O-N. Is that a word? I’m not exactly sure. But what I’m trying to say is that I tend to internalize everything! No exaggeration. It’s just like the saying goes, “I am my own worst enemy.” Can you relate?
Whenever I face my kryptonite, I literally feel my confidence and self-worth meter slowly depleting. My internal reaction is much like that of Superman when he winces in pain and cowers to the ground, unable to let go of the powers of the foreign element, reaching for any material form of relief.
Some common kryptonite-ish, krypton-ical, krytoniacal moments???
- “He made a D on his science test. The teachers are gonna think I don’t work with him at home.”
- “She lost her library book. They’re gonna think I’m a careless mother.”
- “I’m a horrible parent because my kids don’t willingly read books and eat veggies like her kid.”
You’d never know my internal struggle by judging my external appearance, however. I tend to be a realist, understanding that in the midst of my internal struggle, life goes on. Work doesn’t stop, bills continue to come, clothes and dishes continue to pile up, and kids……..they never stop needing. LOL. I pull up my proverbial “big girl pants” and trudge through the all too common feelings of “not good enough” and “coulda, shoulda, woulda” to face the duties that call.
Sounds heroic right? That’s what a “hero” would do. Well let me tell you the problem with this. When you don’t face your kryptonite, in my case poor self- dialogue, you’ll never overcome its powers, and it’ll only grow stronger.
Lemme tell you about my latest encounter with my kryptonite. Every year, I make a big “tah-do” about my kids’ birthdays. The “tah-do” usually involves a HUGE party including all the bells and whistles. I’m talking personalized invites and party supplies, gift bags, food, a fun venue, disc jockey, and photography. Well, this year, since my son was turning 11, he said he would much rather have gifts than a party (it’s usually either/or). Two days before his birthday, I’m literally freaking out because I still haven’t decided what to purchase. Add in the fact that money simply wasn’t adding up, and I’m in full panic attack mode.
*insert bad mommy monologue here*
I mean, what kind of parent doesn’t plan for their child’s big day?! It only happens once a year for goodness sake!
Long story short, I decided that I would bring him a special lunch to school before coming home to his gifts at home later. It was a Chik-Fil-A combo and you would have thought I told him he won a million dollars! The look in his eyes paired with the HUGE smile that greeted me completely shut down the internal struggle I was having. And the bonus………HE ACTUALLY LET ME KISS HIM IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS!! (A true winning moment in mom’s book). I can’t even begin to explain the feeling of reassurance and unconditional love that flooded me all but for a moment.
So what’s the moral of the story? The moral is that as a parent, YOU ARE ENOUGH! No material gift can ever stand a chance against what your children really want and need from you; YOUR PRESENCE. Be there when they need to cry, when they’re hurt, when they’re frustrated, when no one understands, and most of all, JUST BECAUSE. My son taught me a very valuable lesson yesterday and he doesn’t even know it. BE PRESENT! Such a loaded statement. I don’t know what that means to you. But for me it’s going to ALL of the cutesy, corny school plays, watching them conquer a level on a video game, or listening to the new song they wrote about the singing turtle who rides a skateboard. All they want to know is that you are present. I once heard someone say that a child’s reality is shaped from early experience. Meditate on that daily as you face your KRYPTONITE.